HomeFAQSearchRegisterLog in
2012: The AC is permanently closed. If you wish to submit original fiction, we recommend NobleFiction.com.

Share | 
 

 The Mind Bender

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
The Dark Angel
Exalted
Exalted
avatar

Gender : Male
Location : Cardiff, California
Posts : 275
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: The Mind Bender   Tue Jan 23, 2007 12:25 pm

What do you think of The Mind Bender? Unique, wouldn't you say?

_________________
I am The Dark Angel, the darkness that the light shines.
Back to top Go down
Jimbob
Illustrious
Illustrious
avatar

Gender : Male
Posts : 134
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   Tue Jan 23, 2007 2:35 pm

It's great ... and yes UNIQUE!!!!

One thing... Your weakness is description (Like me)... Like in the second Episode...
Quote :
They appeared in the Place Alec Met Tina
You culd easily stretch that over 3 maybe 5 Lines.

Quote :

Alec is taken away to his fantasy world. His outfit changes into a different outfit of his own fantasy. He carries two swords that can link together. He ends up in a beautiful field surrounded by a forest. The grass is a blue-green. There is a crystal clear river near by. Then he saw her. A you girl about his own age with angel wings.
Could be a Bit better too.

And
Quote :
Alec: Because this world is just my fantasy. I can't live in a fantasy for the rest of my life. I feel better now. I'm going back.
It's just weired how he's been there for Two Seconds and suddenly Feels Better.


And other Stuff liek how Raymond who has only just appeared in a Strange New Fantasy World acts like he's been there hundreds of Times and knows theres something more to Zions Gates after he's been there for Two Seconds...

Sorry for all the Nit picking but it's a Great idea so don't waste it with lack of Description and Plot-hole-type-things.

Once again, Sorry but My opinion
Back to top Go down
dannblood
Redoubtable
Redoubtable


Gender : Male
Posts : 82
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:26 pm

Have to agree with Jimbob.
Back to top Go down
Jimbob
Illustrious
Illustrious
avatar

Gender : Male
Posts : 134
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   Wed Jan 24, 2007 11:01 am

So you should... I know all.
Back to top Go down
The Dark Angel
Exalted
Exalted
avatar

Gender : Male
Location : Cardiff, California
Posts : 275
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   Wed Jan 24, 2007 2:18 pm

Thank you for the advice. I'll try to work on that.

_________________
I am The Dark Angel, the darkness that the light shines.
Back to top Go down
100 Shots
Patrician
Patrician
avatar

Gender : Male
Location : Yo moms house
Posts : 49
Reputation : 0

PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   Sat Jan 27, 2007 12:25 pm

5/10 It has some potential but the dialogue and description are very simple... I might show you some of my work.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: The Mind Bender   

Back to top Go down
 
The Mind Bender
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Looking for an exhaust shop with a mandrel bender in NE...
» New Blog-Madison's Piece(s) of Mind
» The amazing human mind ...
» If this doesn't blow your mind, I don't know what will
» What if Ino mind controlled Naruto?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Awesome Combator :: Author Tools :: Critique and Advice-
Jump to: