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 Dragonball 3

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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Dragonball 3   Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:07 am

What'dya think? I've Finished writing all 22 Episodes of the Silver Oozaru Saga but I'm going to post an Episode every 1-3 Days Too Give me time too Start the Next Saga.
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Andy
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PostSubject: Re: Dragonball 3   Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:17 am

I didn't get to read all of it yet because I have to get ready to leave. My major complaint has been the number of run-on sentences. I'll use the first paragraph of the summary as an example:

Quote :
For 17 Years the last of the Warriors have lived in fear, Training in the daytime, Sleeping in the afternoon and running for their lives in the night time and still The Saiyan Menace that threatens them has nearly destroyed what the Humans had strived to build and what Goku and his friends tried to protect The Earth itself.

It would need more punctuation to be grammatically correct, but I think the wording could be fixed too. I'll show you what I would have wrote:

Quote :
The remaining defenders of Earth have lived in fear these past seventeen years. Training in the daytime, sleeping in the afternoon, and running for their lives during the night time, the Saiyan menace that threatens them has nearly destroyed what mankind had accomplished, and what Goku and his friends had fought so hard to protect.

That's just an example, and it could probably be done better than that. There are a lot of run-on sentences in your writing that could be seperated into two or more sentences. As it appears now, it can be confusing or frustrating to the reader.

Despite that, your spelling is really good and you're a good storyteller. Like myself, another of your weakness is in description. While it's not too difficult to see what is going on in your story, some more descriptive writing can set the mood and add to the drama of the story. It's something I need to improve myself.

I really like Dragonball 3 and I'll be reading more of it when I get back home later today!
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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Re: Dragonball 3   Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:27 am

Thanks, I'll Sort out the Prolouge, Keep all my Episodes the Same as they're already written but Will take in what you said for the Next Saga and yes my weak point is Descripotion. I also if you Haven't noticed, Like to Put a Capital letter ninfront of Every word The Time it's a Habit...
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100 Shots
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PostSubject: Re: Dragonball 3   Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:41 pm

You tend to have good description in some spots, but in others it seemed rushed. In the dialogue area you might need some help.
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PostSubject: Re: Dragonball 3   Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:42 pm

You tend to have good description in some spots, but in others it seemed rushed. In the dialogue area you might need some help.
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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Re: Dragonball 3   Tue Jan 30, 2007 1:45 pm

You only have too tell me once... Lol... (I know it was an Accident) Thanks 100 Shots.
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